dream out loud

Last year at this time, my $17,000 USD graduate school loan kicked in. Including the remainder of some undergraduate debt, I was just over $20,000 in student debt. As of today, only $6,052.25 remains on the recent loan. If I could just wire some money home, I’d be completely debt free by next week. I can’t believe how that sounds. Wow.

Tonight I was going through some old digital files because I am looking for something well-written about my educational philosophy. What I came across was my personal statement that went with my application for graduate school. While this is very long, keep in mind it is only a fraction of the writing I had to do for that application!! I’m a little uncomfortable to share this but it serves as a reminder of why I do what I do. I’ve been having a few bad days recently and will take all the reminders I can get. Like I said, I know this is long but if you get through it, I hope you enjoy.

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What I remember most about school is the tension and anxiety it created for me. I still recall the apprehension of facing my parents with a bad test score. Their disappointment saddened me. Being their only child, my single hope was to make them proud of me. One report card after another would say that I was not meeting my “potential,” which was determined through elementary school assessments. Those assessments placed me in advanced classes and groups. When a “talented and gifted program” consisting of morning sessions before school was created, I was asked to join. As a result, my parents and teachers held certain expectations and perceptions of my abilities. What I was afraid to admit was that I wasn’t always able to meet those expectations.

At times, feeling as if effort was futile, I let myself become distracted in class, which only further hindered my progress. I remember the embarrassment when called upon in class and being forced to answer “I don’t know,” simply because I had not even heard the question. There were times when students were taking turns reading textbook passages aloud. When it was my turn, I had lost my place and instead of asking where we were, the class sat in silence as I tried to figure it out on my own. Those uncomfortable moments were enough to make me dread waking up and anxious about going to school each morning.

I could not comprehend why I was not able to do well in school when all of these adults around me kept reassuring me that I was smart. I thought, for sure, they were just trying to be kind. I felt as though I was working hard enough – I was conscientious, organized, completed every assignment on time and accurately. When it came time to take an exam, I just couldn’t show what I knew. Everyone encouraged me to “try a little harder” for those elusive high grades.

My performance varied across different subject areas. What I understand now is that some subjects come more naturally to me. Additionally, when I have a passion and vested interest in an area, I have the ability to shine and go above expectations. I chose my major area of study in college based on family and other circumstances. Unfortunately, the area of study I entered into was one that was difficult for me to excel in. Throughout college, I acted as I had my entire academic life: studying hard, not doing well and not understanding why. A strict grading curve further added to my difficulties. Due to family pressures, I felt the need to endure and not quit by switching majors.

In spite of these feelings, countless teachers and experiences at school have shaped who I am and instilled in me a love for learning. In fourth grade, Mrs. Hamilton’s love of animals brought a fish, a turtle, and a rabbit into our classroom, sparking my curiosity and interest in wildlife. Mrs. Belfi’s art class in seventh grade taught me how to examine more closely and how to interpret my perspectives in pencil, clay, glass, paint and sand. Mr. Cleary was the first teacher to understand my eagerness to write and encouraged me to continue doing so. Ms. Piraino and Mr. Farber made literature come alive. Mr. Ramme’s World Studies course in ninth grade expanded my horizons and showed me how immense the world is, rich in culture and history. Mrs. Meltzer’s French class throughout high school led me overseas on my own for the first time and encouraged me to learn more languages. Both teachers and courses bred my love of travel, which thrives to this day. Working on the high school newspaper was thrilling and I took away invaluable lessons from our faculty advisor Mr. Granger’s real-life journalism experiences. I discovered my passion for photography with the help of Mr. Atkins while on the staff of the yearbook.

As an early childhood teacher reflecting on my own education, I now understand that although I was an intelligent child, I would have benefited from a different kind of teaching style. The method of instruction at my schools was comprised of memorizing facts, writing book reports, completing worksheets, and taking examinations. Consequently, academic success was measured by test scores. While this served as a method for teachers to determine students’ ability to retain facts they were taught, it was not effective for me. Class size was large and individual attention was difficult to impossible at the New York City public schools I attended. Rigid state and city requirements meant teachers were unable to tailor curriculum for students’ needs.

I chose to become a teacher because of my love for children’s honesty and curiosity. What made me confident that I want to dedicate my career to education is my experience as a Kindergarten Assistant Teacher working with children like myself. Children who fall “in between,” and are often overlooked. Successful students are praised for accomplishments while struggling students are offered extra attention and remedial tutoring. Students in between often work just as hard as those that attain high grades, but end up with grades that do not reflect the effort put in. However, many of them have the potential to do so much better. It pains me to witness their struggle because I empathize completely. I am firstly drawn to teaching because I want to help those types of children unleash their potential to shine. Nonetheless, I consider teaching an opportunity to reach out to all different kinds of children. All students, even the most successful, can feel anxiety about school from time to time.

My hope is to be able to give my students the confidence to feel more comfortable and secure in the classroom, and develop a sense of trust in teachers. I want my students to love the day to day of school more than I did as much as I want them to take away experiences shaping who they will be someday. I feel proud of my students when parents tell me that their children eagerly rush to the school bus each morning, and how disappointed they are to miss school when they are ill. Most importantly, I want my students to love learning – inside and outside of the classroom and after their days of formal education are long behind them.

I understand that differences in learning are biological and environmentally influenced. Working with children of a variety of temperaments, requiring different teaching approaches is a challenge, indeed. However challenging, it gives me a deep sense of fulfillment when I meet a new group of children, proceed to understand each mind and personality, and then distinguish what pace and content will be suitably engaging. In the school where I teach and in courses I have taken, I have encountered many types of teaching styles. My goal, as a teacher, is to be able to incorporate the many approaches that I have learned, and add my own creativity to engage all kinds of students. I view teaching as a rewarding task in combining my skills and personality in a meaningful and practical way.

In the past few years, I have experienced profound personal and professional growth. Working alongside an exceptionally experienced head teacher and with children of a range of learning styles and behaviors, I have learned an enormous amount about children and lesson planning. When I was offered a third year, I accepted because I felt that another year within the same environment would give me a firm foundation from which to pursue teaching. Additionally, I moved to a first grade classroom so that I can vary my experience. I hope to be able to work with children of higher elementary grade levels as well.

Now, I consider graduate school in the area of education so that I can research and learn psychological theory, student-teach at schools different than where I have worked, and meet other educators. I am confident that a formal education towards becoming a teacher will reinforce my work in the early childhood classroom. At this time, I am choosing to direct my studies toward the elementary grades (1-6) because I believe that the primary years of school lay the foundation for education in a multitude of ways. Besides academic skills; children build confidence, social skills, and discover interests in those crucial years. One day, I will measure my success as a teacher in whether or not I was able to help my students be at ease about going to school each morning and furthermore, develop a lifelong love of learning. I look forward to this challenge.

I was blocked early on for even considering a major in linguistics, but everything about language is fascinating to me. History, evolution, and usage of language. My first words were in Mandarin, Cantonese, or a combination. I learned English later on, when I was four years old in nursery school. Even then, I remember delineating them as mom-language, dad-language and school-language. In high school I chose two languages, when only one was required.

My translation career started early. While still in elementary school, I navigated for my grandmother who couldn’t speak any English. My parents would often ask me to check whatever they’d written for grammar and spelling. It would make sense that my first job was something like that of a translator – I translated between executives, marketers, programmers and graphic designers. (None of those people speak the same language, right?)

So when I first arrived in China, most of my friends who arrived with me had a huge challenge to face – that of being displaced in a country whose language was not even remotely similar to their native language. I was often asked to translate in a variety of contexts and situations – some smaller than others. This experience was familiar to me, sometimes educational, sometimes fun, sometimes irritating, always amusing.

Looking back on that time, just slightly more than a year later, I am realizing that my transition was nowhere near as difficult as it was for my friends. I complained a lot about many of the other transition pains, but the truth is, mine was severely reduced by lack of a language barrier. For that which I was spared, I’m happy to help – especially in situations that would essentially be impossible without language skills.

One of my resolutions coming back to this school year was to continue to improve my Chinese language skills. I have improved leaps and bounds in this past year and am able to recognize a lot more characters than I could before coming here. But admittedly, I haven’t done more to continue that pattern. I’ve over-committed myself to various activities again, which probably means I have prioritized those things over learning Chinese.

Lately a few people are wondering why I seem to be missing in action. I’ve just returned from week and a half of travel in Southern Yunnan Province. (beautiful) But that aside, my main communication with people from the other side of the world (Facebook, blog and photos) are not easily accessible at the moment from China. I cannot get on Facebook but luckily, while I still could, I linked this blog to post to Facebook. So if you are reading this as a note from there, please come over to visit me at my new blog http://www.elvinatong.com/blog (Just realized how strange this is to people who are simply reading the blog) I will keep attempting to post photos. More soon.