dream out loud

I’ve written here and talked to friends at length (ad nauseum?) about my lack of identity, both in China and the US. In both countries, I’m often told that “You’re not really American” or “You’re not really Chinese.” Emphasis on ‘really.’

I’ve hoped to find others in my specific situation that could relate. It’s easy for people to say they understand… but really, they *can’t.* Earlier this month, I visited my cousin (also American) in Beijing, where she has lived on and off for the past few years. It felt strangely comforting to know that she also gets questioned at the gates of apartment complexes that are perceived as expat or expensive.

I learned last year that a childhood friend of mine had written and published a novel called A Thread of Sky about the Chinese American experience in China. It was just released this month and she is busy promoting it all over the US. I’m so eager to get my hands on it to see what she draws from her experiences living in China, and how they are similar to mine.

It probably won’t be until summer, when I get to North America, that I can buy the book. But I got a sneak peek into Deanna’s China experience in a recent essay she wrote for The Millions. She has always been a beautiful writer, but odd as it may sound, it was emotional to me. Reading about the questions we are asked by locals and expats alike, feelings of isolation, and seeking a sense of belonging felt so familiar.

In the beginning, it was humorous that people didn’t “get” me. It’s annoying now, even frustrating and insulting. Instead, I’m more often given a label by whomever is too lazy to try to understand. Or worse yet, challenged about what my true identity and culture is.

Deanna, I’m so proud of you. Can’t wait to read your book