dream out loud

Wow. Just had an experience that I cannot comprehend and just absolutely need to write down. Partly so I can remember this later and laugh, and partly to vent to other people.

Regular day coming home from work… not sure how many elementary school teachers you know, but most come home exhausted, particularly this late in the school year. Noise, report cards, cleaning up, packing, sorting, more noise. Anyway, I walk into my building and wait by the elevator with a few other people. One of them is a huffy white girl. By huffy, I mean huffy…. not only her body language, but the noises that were coming out of her too.

When the elevator doors open, there is a bit of a kerfuffle, a few people are getting with various amounts of baggage and everyone is trying to press the button of their floor under the arm of a woman who is so graciously holding the “door open” button so that everyone can get in. The white girl (sorry that that is the only word I have to describe her but it is a multi-layered connotation) shoves in and loudly says, “Can we at least get in?” I know that in her mind, no one understands her, because no one in China, speaks English, right? But seriously, lady, people all over the world understand tone, body language and many people do speak English. I have the benefit of “blending in.”

Everyone gets in, the doors close and she realizes she has forgotten to push her floor. So she physically pushes me, punches 10 hard and huffs again. Okay. I am a Chinese-American from New York. Do I stand for that?

I immediately turn around and say, firmly, “You don’t have to be rude.” I am looking her straight in the eyes and her mouth softly falls agape with a little bit of an “ugh.” I think this is what it means when people say that someone’s jaws literally dropped. I’m not sure if her shock was from me speaking American English, or from feeling aghast that someone would dare talk back to her. In the same huffy tone, she responds finally, “I just meant that we could all get in first.” Then the worst part, she made some kind of a motion with her hands at the other people, as if I might agree with her and be on her side. I said, “Well she was holding the door. That was the point.”

I can’t really remember her reaction, but there wasn’t much else for me to say, so I turned away. She is still muttering, “Whatever, I don’t really care anyway.” A few people get out and we all re-arrange to have more personal space. I simply say, “You don’t have to take your bad day out on everyone else.” She is silent. We arrive at her floor and she passive-aggressively whispers “bitch” on her way out the door. At the same time, I cheerfully say “Have a nice day.” And the doors close.

Really? Am I the bitch in this scenario? Hope she owns a good mirror at home.

Since I’ve lived in Guangzhou (only four months) there have been major transformations. All for the… Asian Games. We have become accustomed to explaining every mystery in the city with “must be because of the Asian Games.” Some are quite noticeable changes – the TV tower, demolished old architecture, extension of the subway to the airport, the list goes on.

Certainly the city looks better than when I arrived and when I visited in January or April. Sounds like it was quite different here a year ago. I found an old article on the how the San Francisco based architects designed many of the transformations. In it, Guangzhou is billed as the third largest city in China (it doesn’t say, but I assume after Beijing and Shanghai) and a sustainable and livable city.

When I was home this summer, everything was strangely familiar. It was a comforting feeling. No wonder a place is a called “home” for a reason. My parents’ house is pretty much the same, my friends are just the same, the streets look the same as I last saw them. The first time I left for China, I was heartbroken to leave my New York. My one and only home, I was so sad to leave it, and even made a list of things to do and see before I left. As I learned during my visit last summer, almost everything is still there, and I was reassured of that again this time.

So although I only had a few short weeks at home, I was not as afraid or sad as I was the first time. Especially since this time, I said goodbye to Suzhou, a place I will probably never live in again, but I know that New York is a place I can and will always return to.

I had always been eager to spend time working and living in China. I was sad to learn that Suzhou wasn’t the kind of place I was looking for. But what I was sad to leave behind were some incredible friendships and relationships there. Right now, I am facing another new adventure, I think of it as China: Chapter II. I am now living in Guangzhou. In a short time, I feel much more connected to Guangzhou than I ever felt in Suzhou. Maybe it’s the fact that my father’s family is from here, maybe it’s the fact that I know the dialect (Cantonese), maybe it’s the warmer Southern culture. I don’t know. In Guangzhou, I’m happy to wander the city, go to a nearby museum, hike up a mountain, go to a pretty impressive import store, or meander through Chinese medicine markets.

I feel at home. Whatever the reason for that feeling is, I’ll gladly add Guangzhou to the exclusive list that New York is on: Places I Call Home.

There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all

- The Beatles’ “In My Life”

From here, I am facing another new adventure, I think of it as China: Chapter II. I had always been eager to spend time working and living in China. I was sad to learn that Suzhou wasn’t the kind of place I was looking for. So I feel like I am going to go to Guangzhou with a fresh start. It’s true, it still might not be the place I’m looking for, but I’m determined to tap into some of the opportunities I wanted that didn’t exist in Suzhou. It will just take some self-reminders and initiative.

That said, I made some incredible friendships and relationships in Suzhou, which I had to sadly leave. I don’t think it’s possible to live in a place and totally throw it out of your memory and life when you leave. For me, anyway. But for everything that annoyed me about living in Suzhou, there is something or someone that I loved. In all parts of my life that I’ve moved on from, I don’t just leave friendships behind. So, this is not goodbye

Also, looking back, I can check off many of my goals for going to China in the first place. Pay off student debt, improve my Chinese, save money, travel, gain more teaching experience. Hopefully in Chapter II, I can extend on these goals and make new ones. Improve my Chinese further, save more money, chip away at my mortgage, gain more teaching experience, travel more, meet some native Chinese friends, and learn more about local culture and cooking.

… to be continued!