dream out loud

For family and friends, I haven’t yet gotten to update, I have some news. In January, we went to an international school job fair (just like the one that brought me here.) We both got jobs at the American International School in Guangzhou. I will be back to Kindergarten and Glen is still high school math. This past week, we were fortunate enough to be able to visit Guangzhou. Our school had a week off, but they were in session, so it was great timing. During our visit, we had a tour of both campuses, (elementary and high school are in separate locations) had our medical check, opened bank accounts, and picked an apartment. Very exciting, very productive.

Guangzhou isn’t all that well known when I refer to it to friends back home. But when I describe it as “Cantonese,” then people have an ‘aha’ moment. Guangzhou, along with Beijing, Shanghai, and Shenzhen are considered the first tier cities of China. The tiering system includes business, population, and real estate. Guangzhou is also the host of November’s Asian Games.

In the four days we were in Guangzhou, we experienced things we miss out on in our current home: public transportation, a myriad of restaurants, bars and entertainment, movie theaters. We also loved having western style shopping malls, then a Chinese style alley with street vendors upon just turning the corner. Even more exciting is our close proximity to Hong Kong. It is just a 2 hour train ride from the city center. Guangzhou is also a hub for flights to Southeast Asia.

There will be a spare bedroom for you, so come on down to visit!

I’ve written here and talked to friends at length (ad nauseum?) about my lack of identity, both in China and the US. In both countries, I’m often told that “You’re not really American” or “You’re not really Chinese.” Emphasis on ‘really.’

I’ve hoped to find others in my specific situation that could relate. It’s easy for people to say they understand… but really, they *can’t.* Earlier this month, I visited my cousin (also American) in Beijing, where she has lived on and off for the past few years. It felt strangely comforting to know that she also gets questioned at the gates of apartment complexes that are perceived as expat or expensive.

I learned last year that a childhood friend of mine had written and published a novel called A Thread of Sky about the Chinese American experience in China. It was just released this month and she is busy promoting it all over the US. I’m so eager to get my hands on it to see what she draws from her experiences living in China, and how they are similar to mine.

It probably won’t be until summer, when I get to North America, that I can buy the book. But I got a sneak peek into Deanna’s China experience in a recent essay she wrote for The Millions. She has always been a beautiful writer, but odd as it may sound, it was emotional to me. Reading about the questions we are asked by locals and expats alike, feelings of isolation, and seeking a sense of belonging felt so familiar.

In the beginning, it was humorous that people didn’t “get” me. It’s annoying now, even frustrating and insulting. Instead, I’m more often given a label by whomever is too lazy to try to understand. Or worse yet, challenged about what my true identity and culture is.

Deanna, I’m so proud of you. Can’t wait to read your book

A while back, I wrote here about my supposed identity crisis as an American-born Chinese living in China. I’m feeling the effects of this “condition” of mine again lately. As with any classic problem, there are likely three reasons.

One of these reasons recurs every two years. I’m not sure if people who are second, third or even fourth generation feel this, but with each Olympics, I’m never sure where my allegiances lie. So here we are again, with the Vancouver games. I am always happy about the medals that both the US and China take home. But if it came down to a clear cut US vs. China game in something, I’m not sure who I’d cheer for. Some might find it strange that I’d feel conflicted about who to cheer for since I’ve never lived in China before now. I’ll tell you this though, my parents have always been on Team China’s side. They also read Chinese language newspapers and watch CCTV news. So perhaps that’s been ingrained in me.

Another reason has come up the more I travel around Asia. So far, in each Asian country I have traveled to, someone or a few people attempt to speak the local language to me. These are countries where my similarity in appearance to the locals range from “maybe” to “nothing close.” These are Vietnam, Cambodia, Malaysia, Thailand, Indonesia. I’ll let you be the judge and I won’t be offended. I wonder if Caucasians run into the same issue when traveling around Europe? The skin color and language thing are just funny at this point, I’m not too worried about it. But the most complicated conversations come about when I apologize that I don’t speak the language. The question which of course follows is, “Where are you from?” I explain that I’m Chinese but was born in the US, but am now living in China. This is usually VERY confusing for people.

My last cause for renewed identity crisis, which is the most important, are the current ongoing Chinese holidays. Back at Thanksgiving, I said that it wasn’t the same while away from home. I did realize that where ever I go, I’ll find the equally solid friendships and “adopted” family. For me, that is enough for Thanksgiving. So why is that spending Chinese New Year in China, Singapore and Malaysia still felt different for me? Despite duilian going up on every doorway around me, lanterns, fireworks and firecrackers, it didn’t feel like Chinese New Year to me.

I think that maybe, to me, Chinese New Year is deeply connected to family and traditions. Without it, I feel a little bit lost. I miss leaving my grandparents’ house smelling of incense and food and arms full of containers of leftovers. I miss the dim sum the next morning and 12-course banquets. I miss the weird dishes named after superstitious sayings. I miss nian gao stuck to the roof of my mouth. And oddly enough, I miss New York Chinatown. At the end of Chinese New Year is Yuan Xiao Jie, a lantern festival. Like any other Chinese holiday, there is a food attached – tong yuan – a sticky white rice flour ball stuffed with anything from peanuts to red bean paste. It’s served like a mochi or boiled in one kind or another of dessert soup. Yep, you know it, I miss that too. Also, the day after Yuan Xiao Jie is my mom’s birthday on the Lunar calendar. That’s the birthday we celebrate with her each year. That said, if Chinese holidays are so deeply connected to family and traditions for me, then does that make me less Chinese at heart? Or more?

I know I’m a little late, but I’ll blame it on being busier than ever. I feel badly about using that excuse every time I fall behind on correspondence. Well, Happy New Year! I’m going to do away with New Year’s Resolutions because those never stick. Also, why are resolutions for a year anyway? At the end of the year do you succeed? Fail? Try again next year?

We are at the end of the early 2000s and I was thinking about how many changes we’ve seen in those 10 years. We went from riding the tail end of the dot com bubble to a major global economic decline. We went from naivete and invincibility to feeling vulnerable and not always safe after an attack on America. We listened to everything from synthetic pop music to brooding, emotional lyrics.

Personally, in the past ten years, I have:
1. Held 8 jobs (I don’t know how that is possible, since I’ve been at some for years… law of averages, I guess)
2. Lived in 8 different homes (If we include the remainder of 2010, that will bring us to 9 on both counts!)
3. Traveled to 8 other countries
4. Changed careers
5. Earned a Master’s Degree
6. Bought an apartment
7. Made lots of new friends, lost many good friends
8. Went to well over 30 concerts
9. Taught approximately 145 students
10. Paid off all student debt

What is on the horizon for the next ten years??

I was blocked early on for even considering a major in linguistics, but everything about language is fascinating to me. History, evolution, and usage of language. My first words were in Mandarin, Cantonese, or a combination. I learned English later on, when I was four years old in nursery school. Even then, I remember delineating them as mom-language, dad-language and school-language. In high school I chose two languages, when only one was required.

My translation career started early. While still in elementary school, I navigated for my grandmother who couldn’t speak any English. My parents would often ask me to check whatever they’d written for grammar and spelling. It would make sense that my first job was something like that of a translator – I translated between executives, marketers, programmers and graphic designers. (None of those people speak the same language, right?)

So when I first arrived in China, most of my friends who arrived with me had a huge challenge to face – that of being displaced in a country whose language was not even remotely similar to their native language. I was often asked to translate in a variety of contexts and situations – some smaller than others. This experience was familiar to me, sometimes educational, sometimes fun, sometimes irritating, always amusing.

Looking back on that time, just slightly more than a year later, I am realizing that my transition was nowhere near as difficult as it was for my friends. I complained a lot about many of the other transition pains, but the truth is, mine was severely reduced by lack of a language barrier. For that which I was spared, I’m happy to help – especially in situations that would essentially be impossible without language skills.

One of my resolutions coming back to this school year was to continue to improve my Chinese language skills. I have improved leaps and bounds in this past year and am able to recognize a lot more characters than I could before coming here. But admittedly, I haven’t done more to continue that pattern. I’ve over-committed myself to various activities again, which probably means I have prioritized those things over learning Chinese.